super funny quotes

Democracy is being allowed to vote for the candidate you dislike least. ~Robert Byrne



Books are embalmed minds. ~Bovee



All the suns labor to kindle your flame and a microbe puts it out. ~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin



Eggs and oaths are easily broken. ~Danish Proverb



April fool, n. The March fool with another month added to his folly. ~Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary



I'd prefer to have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy. ~Frank Nicholson, attributed



Marriage is a mistake every man should make. ~George Jessel



Stomach: A slave that must accept everything that is given to it, but which avenges wrongs as slyly as does the slave. ~Emile Souvester



There's nothing wrong with me a little ice cream won't fix. ~Author Unknown



Our age will be known as the age of committees. ~Ernest Benn



Sin makes its own hell, and goodness its own heaven. ~Mary Baker Eddy



Marriage halves our griefs, doubles our joys, and quadruples our expenses. ~English Proverb



History is full of the dead weight of things which have escaped the control of the mind, yet drive man on with a blind force. ~Frederick Maurice Powicke, History, Freedom & Religion



In skating over thin ice, our safety is in our speed. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson



What the American public doesn't know is what makes them the American public. ~From the movie Tommy Boy



There is a strong chance that siblings who turn out well were hassled by the same parents. ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com



A Rattlesnake, if Cornered will become so angry it will bite itself. That is exactly what the harboring of hate and resentment against others is - a biting of oneself. We think we are harming others in holding these spites and hates, but the deeper harm is to ourselves. ~E. Stanley Jones



Baseball was made for kids, and grown-ups only screw it up. ~Bob Lemon



The excellence of aphorisms consists not so much in the expression of some rare or abstruse sentiment, as in the comprehension of some useful truth in few words. ~Samuel Johnson



Pure logic is the ruin of the spirit. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupery, Flight to Arras, 1942, translated from French by Lewis Galantiere